One day I realized that I had been trying for a very long time to be the kind of person that I thought God wanted me to be, but I had failed, over and over, to be that person. I was sure that God was ashamed of me, of my faults and of my weaknesses. I knew that I was ashamed of myself.
The person that I saw in the reflection was flawed, imperfect, and had fallen short of God’s expectation as well as my own. So I stayed away from prayer, silence and solitude, instead I kept myself busy, hoping to overcome my feelings of failure through doing good works.
How, did I get to this place? Well, it was the result of being exposed to messages of condemnation and guilt. It was that underlying sense that one had to become something in order to maintain God’s relationship. No one had really ever fully explained the message, the story really of God’s love for us, how He longs and searches after us and longs for us to be united with Him in His Love. I had heard little pieces but it was never enough to flood my heart.
Like many of you I lived within the belief that God really didn’t like me! Somehow, he tolerated me, hoping that I would improve somehow. I developed this unhealthy idea of God. This idea that God was disappointed with me, even angry.
But that day, somewhere from deep within, something shattered…. I had come helplessly, and hopelessly to the end of all my attempts to please. I will never forget I was looking in the mirror that morning…. and He smiled. That’s right, God smiled… at me! He was not frowning, but smiling!
Num. 6:25 The LORD make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee: 26 The LORD lift up his countenance upon thee, and give thee peace.
His face, is the face of Love! Unconditional, absolute, never ending, first love… I can live, I do live, in the face of that Love.
I still fall short of being all that I want to be for “Abba,” but when I look in His face He is still my “Abba, Father.” He still loves, accepts, forgives and cares for me, His child.
That day, changed and continues to change my life….. Look to Him!
